Cannonball Run II

So the other night I was surfing Dish for something to watch and lo' and behold what to my wondering eye should appear, but none other than good ole Burt Reynolds and Shirley MacLaine dear. There are few movies that are worse than Cannonball Run II. Here's why. CRII as I shall call it henceforth, had tons of celebrities in it. Please note I used the term celebrities instead of actors. There's a reason why I make this distinction. Most of these celebrities were soooo bad in this they don't get to be called actors. I won't do it no sir. I can't figure out who acts the worst in the movie. Is it Burt, or is it Dom DeLuise, or Jamie Farr, or Jack Elam, Sammy Davis Jr., or Dean Martin. I'm not sure that it matters.

It's as if the whole cast were in on this joke, that none of the audience could or would ever get. The tone of the movie is basically 'Yeah we know it sucks and we do too, thanks for your 7 bucks." The seven bucks is simply a guess back to that time when it hit the theaters and how much I think a movie ticket cost. What's really astounding is that Shirley MacLaine shows up to slum it up in this cinematic dungheap. Yowza! she must have been doing some remodeling on her Malibu mansion to sign on to this crapfest.

Dean Martin and Sammy Davis Jr. during their scenes seem to have a permanent case of the giggles and can't keep straight faces while delivering their lines, which is understandable but no less maddening. Later, in the film Sammy Davis wears an Arabic concubine get up as if he were betrothed to a Saudi sheik. Two words.... Not Pretty!

Burt Reynolds and Shirley MacLaine are each other's love interest in the movie but only after she sheds her nun's garb and comes clean to Burt and Dom's characters. Truly, it is very sweet and romantic as they make-out with one another in the back of a faux, olive-drab military style limousine. That they suck face while everyone else is in the front seat listening and watching them is a seriously and voyeuristicly cinematic treat. Jackie Chan makes a debut on the American film scene by not speaking any English and kicking and fighting his way through the plot holes that abound throughout Hal Needham's masterpiece. Want a little Greek flavor? How about Telly Savalas as the bad guy who acts badly... it's a matched set enjoy! Or Jamie Farr as the Saudi sheik? I'm not lying, seriously a sheik who decided to enter a car race across the country for prize money. Aren't sheiks already mega-rich?

All things considered, I believe I have to give the worst acting award (please note I only said"worst acting" and not "actor") to Dom Deluise. Dom's acting is truly breath-taking in its scope of putridness.... is that a real word? If not let's christen it especially for Deluise. Idiotic and retarded simply aren't strong enough to adequately detail his grand eminence's display of exactly how not to behave in front of a camera. That everyone else is doing their level best to equal his badness is simply a testament to his craft. His craft of badness we shall call it. I say a close second is of course Burt Reynolds. Really after the first CR he should have known better. Third place goes to Shirley MacLaine for slumming it up for the check.

Now this is not to discourage you from taking time out of your busy schedules to take a gander at this film atrocity, because even something this amateurish can be downright entertaining. So if you decide to undertake this piece o' crap, please do so on an empty stomach, cleaning up chunks after CRII is not as much fun as it sounds.

The Way of the World

As I ruminate, I've decided that I would like to be a CEO of a large corporation so that I can behave in the most hypocritical fashion so that those on the right side of the aisle idolize me. My first actions as CEO will to summarily lose billions of dollars due to poor decisions that I make on behalf of the corporation and then fire thousands of regular hourly workers and then collect a seven figure bonus. I then will proceed to go on shows like Hannity and the O'Reilly Factor and be praised for being such a great American. Please no one try to persuade me to do otherwise, because to do so would be unpatriotic.

July sumpin sumpin

Well it's been about 6 months since the last post, and my how time flies... doesn't it. We ushered in a new president and ushered in Spring and then Summer. It's sort of like a Poe short story...except a whole lot longer. School is moving along as well as I might expect. Three core classes left and then the electives to fill out my requirements to graduate. Then I'll be able to say "I is a college gradiate"
I wish there was a significant announcement to make but there really isn't. We're broke as a joke, tis true my cherished bloke. I just got back from Best Buy looking at things I don't have enough money to buy. I'm an electronics nut. So it's a love hate kind of motion I put myself through going there. I love looking at stuff and day-dreaming but then I hate leaving empty handed. It's the yin and yang of life I suppose.
Also since it's Summer once again I find I really dig driving a car around without air conditioning.... yeah!!! Plus my car is extra special because I can't seem to get the turn signals to work. I simply just drive straight every where I go. I'm getting killed on gas. Also the paint job is truly a spectacle to behold. It looks like the top of the roof was tie dyed by Jerry Garcia...."Truckin' " himself.
***Item*** We just wound down an epic battle with cluster flies in our office bedroom. There's nothing like spending a couple of days and all your spare time pounding away at slow, fat, lethargic flies that seem to reanimate themselves just like Jesus brought Lazarus back from the dead. Needless to say it's the apartment management's fault because they refused to listen to our pleas for help for the past nine months with all the assorted problems we have been having with critters in the wall and that good stuff.

Random thoughts:
America's Got Talent = America's Got crazy David Hasselhoff.
That Yes song "Roundabout" really means something here in Carmel
People less than 30 years old won't know who Yes is.
DMB will be coming July 31st and I will be at home listening to their latest CD singing the blues.
This been a really cool summer so far this year. Temperature wise.
Why are HDMI cables so expensive?
There's not much on TV during the summer. I can't wait until LOST comes back.
Dodge electrical wiring scares me..... seriously.
Siamese cats are weird.
Real men don't watch "So you think you can dance"
Real men do watch "Nights in Rodanthe" but then regret doing so.
Seriously regret it. for reals.
The county should charge a mini-van toll on weekends for Shelbourne Rd. they'd clean up.

The Ides of January

Yes, I know it's supposed to be March but time for a change. January is really a bleak month in good ole Indiana. Trees with no leaves, snow on the ground, roads permeated with salt,mud and ice. Days are beginning to get longer which is a welcome sign that Spring is just a couple of months away. So you say yes we know that no need to remind us of the dreary season that is Winter. Of course I know that but misery loves company so back off. Just so you know I truly detest Java program language. I've done some research and found out that biblical scholars have found many scriptures, murky in nature, that attest to Java being created in the ninth circle of Hell. Odd but true. You don't believe me? Try writing a program with it, you'll see. So Pro football is just about to culminate it's season with a fantastical, commercial jubilee that offers the selling of food,beer and big screen digital tv's. Many a pundit will discuss the effect of Pro football on the average American psyche, but not me. I think all that analyzing of football drives all these middling prognosticators a little crazy. But see here! all the TV Execs have decided to present the big game at the first of February, thus giving up on the dreary month January. Did anyone ever ask January how it feels about its abandonment issues? C'mon everybody let's give the first month a great big ole Polar bear bear hug. Maybe that might warm its heart a little and make those first thirty-one days more palatable. I'm not sure if it's possible to physically come into contact with an abstract concept such as a month but for everyone's sanity I'm willing to try. Whaddya say peeps? So we're at the time of they year when shows are beginning to start their new seasons which means LOST is just about here. Hallelujah! My favorite show. To all those LOSTies brace yourselves for another wacky season of plot twists and disappearing islands. I myself am hoping Sawyer finds a shirt to wear.

Just as an FYI the rapper DMX who is currently incarcerated is mighty peeved that his jail jump suit is pink! Hmmm I think if I found myself in jail I'd have other things to be unhappy about, like being in jail! Just an observation. Maybe he will get in touch with his feminine side whilst in jail wearing pink tighties and write an new rap opus titled "Don't dis' dis homey whilst wearing pink tighties" I hope you're listening Phil Spector, oops wait a second, I think he might not be available to produce the song due to a short stint in prison too. Oh well maybe Notorius B.I.G or Tupac will help him put the song together. As I get older I now understand why crusty old septagenarians mutter to themselves while whistling "Buffalo Gal" and taking that football that landed in his fenced yard and never giving it back. It's because of all that new whippersnapper clap-trap you hear on the transistor radios today. Now excuse me I have to jump in the Studebaker and cruise on down to the corner gymnasium to toss the old medicine ball around before the USO dance tonight. Ciao` J

Tis the New Year!

Hola Amigos,
I know it's been awhile since I last rapped at ya. I've been hatin' life here lately cause my Ford Fiesta blew a tire and... hmmmm I think I'm channeling Jim Anchower oops sorry about that. So the Holidays have passed and all the gifts and merriment have been exercised, unwrapped and tucked away until whenever we get around to them. Christmas is all right but everyone is too concerned about spending money and buying presents. To me I find it something to have to get through. Maybe I'm bored and sick of it all, who knows. Lately I've been about trying to understand new things and history. Maybe it's about growing older or jaded. I don't know for sure. I was watching TV the other evening and there was this infomercial for Hip Hop Abs. No jive! This dude, the world famous "Shawn T", is selling a dvd program of him dancing around and its supposed to develop your abs. Hmmmm, a fool and his money are soon parted. The host chick was walking aorund in work out garb and claiming her abs never looked better but her mid-section was completely covered. So logically put; If her abs never looked better, wouldn't she want to show them off? Just a thought. Is this what we are reduced to as a nation and as a culture? Hip Hop abs? I realize this is the curmudgeon in me rearing his ugly head, but for the love of all that's holy, give us a break. How about Tennessee Waltz abs? or Blue Grass abs or Acid Rock abs, Emo abs? When does it end? So the best advice I can offer is, if you like the idea go for it, if not scroll up the channel list and buy some really slammin' snuggly blankie/robes for watching the Hip Hop Abs infomercial. See I not only complain but I offer solutions. You know the circle of life thing. Is anyone else bothered by Dick Clark actually showing up to his Rockin' New Year's Eve show? I mean I get the whole TV/Rock icon thing but he had a stroke and he is very, very, very, very, very, very old. I say invite Kirk Douglas on the show next year to make it perfect bookends. That would be entertainment. Is it wrong of me to be watching 'Days of Our Lives' with my wife. I swear it's like a car wreck on the highway. You know you shouldn't look but you have to anyway. I truly hate the writing, acting, commercials every five minutes. This whole sordidness reminds me of an old joke. There were these two old lady friends who were looking for a retirement home that they could move into. They visited one that they had heard good things about. The retirement home director showed them around and after their tour invited them to have lunch in the home's cafeteria, which the ladies took up the offer. Whilst eating one friend says to the other "Wow this food is truly awful" then the other friend piped up "Yeah and such small portions too!"..... It's kinda like that with the daytime stories. Happy New Year! J