Hola Amigos,
I know it's been awhile since I rapped at ya' but life got in the way of my writing, plus I've been battling writer's block. It won... until now!
So I've decided that one of the best shows on TV is "Dog the Bounty Hunter" not really because of Duane "the Dog" Chapman but because of his wife Beth, who steals the show in all her white trash glory. An open love letter to Beth follows below:
Oh heavens above what shall we calleth this vision that appears mid-week on A&E? Shall we call her Aphrodite or dare I say Venus? No! we shall call her Beth... the Dog's betrothed. Oh Beth! long's the time you've tarried in Dog's shadow busily going about your way in your too tight cotton tops that display your full curves and then some. As you sashay about in your stone-washed jeans that have never ever seen a pebble let alone a stone. As you rock your faux ammo belt and move in a stilted walk because things are wrapped up a little too tightly... if you get my drift. Oh Beth how you could launch a thousand ships with a just a wave of your mighty bosom. It's true that you could sway many a man with that bosom... simply from its sheer weight and enormity. Oh Beth you rock our world and you know it girl.
Beth when I gaze upon that face and get lost in those eyes adorned with that garish eye shadow and strangely colored safety pins, I lose my breath at what a lucky man "Dog" is and always will be... unless of course he gets rounded up by another bounty hunter intent on not getting stiffed by Duane for his own legal troubles. Beth the years have been kind to you and all know it. You chew gum and bark orders like a female Erwin Rommel. You wear trampish mid-calf boots in the hottest of weather. You wear spiked necklaces that bemoan a come hither and "submit to me servant" vibe. Beth don't you see what you do to me?...
Oh Beth who could not fall madly in love with you as you lead a family prayer and then proceed to curse out a fugitive's mother for the upteenth time, as you give advice to baby Lyssa from the back-seat about all manner of life situations, as you bark orders to Leland and Duane Jr. through the walkie talkie and cell phone, as you gripe at the kids for not getting to that Burger King quicker to get you that triple XL with portabello mushrooms. Beth you need not hide in Dog's shadow anymore! You come out to the world and roar "I am woman and don't you f*&%$#@ talk s#%t behind my mo%$#$*&%% back bi&%$" Then at the last of every show you become lovey-dovey with the fugitive in a complete 180 move. Most would find this behavior hypocritical Beth... but not me! I see the profanity laced,inexplicable love you show for each bad seed as you shower them with oddly timed words of encouragement, in an obvious attempt to soften yourself. Beth I get it! you are at once tough and soft, just how Dog likes it.
Oh Beth I'm just sayin'
