You'll Shoot Your Ipad Out Kid!

I was looking at electronics the other night at good ole Best Buy. Some deals are okay others not so okay. Computer tablets are all the rage these days, so I was looking. People do understand that these things are less functional than laptops and about twice as expensive? Just asking. Sorry Apple people but Ipads area rip-off. I'd rather have a Kindle Fire. The money's just burning a hole in my dungarees as it were. Too bad I don't have any money to burn. While I was at Best Buy, the entire 25-40 age male demographic from Central Indiana asked me if I needed help. I wish some of these dudes would get a job at Lowes hardware because it's a major pain in the hind quarters to find someone for help in that little bit of paradise.

Some general thoughts on my mind... why does gas never go on sale? Why when one gas station changes their price does the one across the street change their price to the same exact price?... whether it's higher or lower. Who started the whole medications being dispensed on a 30 day cycle? Why do we get billed for most everything on a monthly basis? Why not quarterly or semi-annual? Why is it that car dealers will give you next to nothing on a trade-in but then do a little bit of repairs and then ask two to three times asking price?

Does anybody really get Justin Bieber? Does he not annoy almost everyone? Does everyone love the Aaron Rogers/State Farm commercial as much as I do. How about that really dorky Fujifilm bungee jump commercial. How dumb is that commercial...

Christmas season is upon us once more. Another Black Friday has came and went. Shoppers are becoming more militant with every passing yule tide. Maybe some of the big chains can invite some of the cage fighters to join the festivities in the coming years. Whoever comes out of aisle 12 alive gets the Ipad for $799!

America's Got Talent Except for the Judges

Wow! America's Got Talent is inexplicable. Really, that's all that can be said. Firstly, Mr. Director/editor, enough of the fast editing. One second shots of Piers, Sharon and Howie is nauseating. How about not showing them at all? Secondly, the montage format(with soundtrack) of hurriedly slamming acts through at a break-neck pace is infuriating. If the act sucks, completely edit it out. I don't wanna hear another rendition of Kenny Loggins' "Danger Zone" one more time while some goof juggles full diapers. Well wait a second maybe I do. Also, no more autotune songs. I forbid autotune songs from this point forward. To you Mr. Producer, the phony staging of a rivalry between Piers and Howie is insufferable, stop that too. Pick acts that are so unbelievably terrible they make us laugh or screen good acts through to take seriously. These are the rules, or should be the rules. Another thing, dispense with the sob stories designed to make America cry. We don't like that, just trust me on this, we don't like it. Also it's un-American and totally bogus, and while Americans can be an apathetic and ill informed bunch, we do know cynical crap like throwing some kids with the disease of the month at us. We hate that, so stop it. Piers, Sharon and Howie show a little integrity and stop acting like trained seals, you got the gig. Nick Cannon, you're hopeless so carry on as before. No wait a minute, on second thought, you stop it too Nick Cannon! By the way who dresses you Nick? You embarrass all of mankind, this I can't abide by. Audience at the shows, settle down and stop acting like you 've never seen a kid sing and breakdance before. Seriously, it's not that fresh. Also stop standing up and crossing your arms in an effort to sway the judges to "X" the performer. Who do you think you are anyway? You clearly don't have talent or else you would be on the show America's Got Talent being shown in a montage or being "X"d out of there. On second thought, NBC executives just cancel the show and show reruns of "Minute to Win It" Now that's a show I really hate.,

Behind Every "Dog" is a great Beth

Hola Amigos,
I know it's been awhile since I rapped at ya' but life got in the way of my writing, plus I've been battling writer's block. It won... until now!

So I've decided that one of the best shows on TV is "Dog the Bounty Hunter" not really because of Duane "the Dog" Chapman but because of his wife Beth, who steals the show in all her white trash glory. An open love letter to Beth follows below:

Oh heavens above what shall we calleth this vision that appears mid-week on A&E? Shall we call her Aphrodite or dare I say Venus? No! we shall call her Beth... the Dog's betrothed. Oh Beth! long's the time you've tarried in Dog's shadow busily going about your way in your too tight cotton tops that display your full curves and then some. As you sashay about in your stone-washed jeans that have never ever seen a pebble let alone a stone. As you rock your faux ammo belt and move in a stilted walk because things are wrapped up a little too tightly... if you get my drift. Oh Beth how you could launch a thousand ships with a just a wave of your mighty bosom. It's true that you could sway many a man with that bosom... simply from its sheer weight and enormity. Oh Beth you rock our world and you know it girl.
Beth when I gaze upon that face and get lost in those eyes adorned with that garish eye shadow and strangely colored safety pins, I lose my breath at what a lucky man "Dog" is and always will be... unless of course he gets rounded up by another bounty hunter intent on not getting stiffed by Duane for his own legal troubles. Beth the years have been kind to you and all know it. You chew gum and bark orders like a female Erwin Rommel. You wear trampish mid-calf boots in the hottest of weather. You wear spiked necklaces that bemoan a come hither and "submit to me servant" vibe. Beth don't you see what you do to me?...
Oh Beth who could not fall madly in love with you as you lead a family prayer and then proceed to curse out a fugitive's mother for the upteenth time, as you give advice to baby Lyssa from the back-seat about all manner of life situations, as you bark orders to Leland and Duane Jr. through the walkie talkie and cell phone, as you gripe at the kids for not getting to that Burger King quicker to get you that triple XL with portabello mushrooms. Beth you need not hide in Dog's shadow anymore! You come out to the world and roar "I am woman and don't you f*&%$#@ talk s#%t behind my mo%$#$*&%% back bi&%$" Then at the last of every show you become lovey-dovey with the fugitive in a complete 180 move. Most would find this behavior hypocritical Beth... but not me! I see the profanity laced,inexplicable love you show for each bad seed as you shower them with oddly timed words of encouragement, in an obvious attempt to soften yourself. Beth I get it! you are at once tough and soft, just how Dog likes it.
Oh Beth I'm just sayin'

Cannonball Run II

So the other night I was surfing Dish for something to watch and lo' and behold what to my wondering eye should appear, but none other than good ole Burt Reynolds and Shirley MacLaine dear. There are few movies that are worse than Cannonball Run II. Here's why. CRII as I shall call it henceforth, had tons of celebrities in it. Please note I used the term celebrities instead of actors. There's a reason why I make this distinction. Most of these celebrities were soooo bad in this they don't get to be called actors. I won't do it no sir. I can't figure out who acts the worst in the movie. Is it Burt, or is it Dom DeLuise, or Jamie Farr, or Jack Elam, Sammy Davis Jr., or Dean Martin. I'm not sure that it matters.

It's as if the whole cast were in on this joke, that none of the audience could or would ever get. The tone of the movie is basically 'Yeah we know it sucks and we do too, thanks for your 7 bucks." The seven bucks is simply a guess back to that time when it hit the theaters and how much I think a movie ticket cost. What's really astounding is that Shirley MacLaine shows up to slum it up in this cinematic dungheap. Yowza! she must have been doing some remodeling on her Malibu mansion to sign on to this crapfest.

Dean Martin and Sammy Davis Jr. during their scenes seem to have a permanent case of the giggles and can't keep straight faces while delivering their lines, which is understandable but no less maddening. Later, in the film Sammy Davis wears an Arabic concubine get up as if he were betrothed to a Saudi sheik. Two words.... Not Pretty!

Burt Reynolds and Shirley MacLaine are each other's love interest in the movie but only after she sheds her nun's garb and comes clean to Burt and Dom's characters. Truly, it is very sweet and romantic as they make-out with one another in the back of a faux, olive-drab military style limousine. That they suck face while everyone else is in the front seat listening and watching them is a seriously and voyeuristicly cinematic treat. Jackie Chan makes a debut on the American film scene by not speaking any English and kicking and fighting his way through the plot holes that abound throughout Hal Needham's masterpiece. Want a little Greek flavor? How about Telly Savalas as the bad guy who acts badly... it's a matched set enjoy! Or Jamie Farr as the Saudi sheik? I'm not lying, seriously a sheik who decided to enter a car race across the country for prize money. Aren't sheiks already mega-rich?

All things considered, I believe I have to give the worst acting award (please note I only said"worst acting" and not "actor") to Dom Deluise. Dom's acting is truly breath-taking in its scope of putridness.... is that a real word? If not let's christen it especially for Deluise. Idiotic and retarded simply aren't strong enough to adequately detail his grand eminence's display of exactly how not to behave in front of a camera. That everyone else is doing their level best to equal his badness is simply a testament to his craft. His craft of badness we shall call it. I say a close second is of course Burt Reynolds. Really after the first CR he should have known better. Third place goes to Shirley MacLaine for slumming it up for the check.

Now this is not to discourage you from taking time out of your busy schedules to take a gander at this film atrocity, because even something this amateurish can be downright entertaining. So if you decide to undertake this piece o' crap, please do so on an empty stomach, cleaning up chunks after CRII is not as much fun as it sounds.

The Way of the World

As I ruminate, I've decided that I would like to be a CEO of a large corporation so that I can behave in the most hypocritical fashion so that those on the right side of the aisle idolize me. My first actions as CEO will to summarily lose billions of dollars due to poor decisions that I make on behalf of the corporation and then fire thousands of regular hourly workers and then collect a seven figure bonus. I then will proceed to go on shows like Hannity and the O'Reilly Factor and be praised for being such a great American. Please no one try to persuade me to do otherwise, because to do so would be unpatriotic.

July sumpin sumpin

Well it's been about 6 months since the last post, and my how time flies... doesn't it. We ushered in a new president and ushered in Spring and then Summer. It's sort of like a Poe short story...except a whole lot longer. School is moving along as well as I might expect. Three core classes left and then the electives to fill out my requirements to graduate. Then I'll be able to say "I is a college gradiate"
I wish there was a significant announcement to make but there really isn't. We're broke as a joke, tis true my cherished bloke. I just got back from Best Buy looking at things I don't have enough money to buy. I'm an electronics nut. So it's a love hate kind of motion I put myself through going there. I love looking at stuff and day-dreaming but then I hate leaving empty handed. It's the yin and yang of life I suppose.
Also since it's Summer once again I find I really dig driving a car around without air conditioning.... yeah!!! Plus my car is extra special because I can't seem to get the turn signals to work. I simply just drive straight every where I go. I'm getting killed on gas. Also the paint job is truly a spectacle to behold. It looks like the top of the roof was tie dyed by Jerry Garcia...."Truckin' " himself.
***Item*** We just wound down an epic battle with cluster flies in our office bedroom. There's nothing like spending a couple of days and all your spare time pounding away at slow, fat, lethargic flies that seem to reanimate themselves just like Jesus brought Lazarus back from the dead. Needless to say it's the apartment management's fault because they refused to listen to our pleas for help for the past nine months with all the assorted problems we have been having with critters in the wall and that good stuff.

Random thoughts:
America's Got Talent = America's Got crazy David Hasselhoff.
That Yes song "Roundabout" really means something here in Carmel
People less than 30 years old won't know who Yes is.
DMB will be coming July 31st and I will be at home listening to their latest CD singing the blues.
This been a really cool summer so far this year. Temperature wise.
Why are HDMI cables so expensive?
There's not much on TV during the summer. I can't wait until LOST comes back.
Dodge electrical wiring scares me..... seriously.
Siamese cats are weird.
Real men don't watch "So you think you can dance"
Real men do watch "Nights in Rodanthe" but then regret doing so.
Seriously regret it. for reals.
The county should charge a mini-van toll on weekends for Shelbourne Rd. they'd clean up.

The Ides of January

Yes, I know it's supposed to be March but time for a change. January is really a bleak month in good ole Indiana. Trees with no leaves, snow on the ground, roads permeated with salt,mud and ice. Days are beginning to get longer which is a welcome sign that Spring is just a couple of months away. So you say yes we know that no need to remind us of the dreary season that is Winter. Of course I know that but misery loves company so back off. Just so you know I truly detest Java program language. I've done some research and found out that biblical scholars have found many scriptures, murky in nature, that attest to Java being created in the ninth circle of Hell. Odd but true. You don't believe me? Try writing a program with it, you'll see. So Pro football is just about to culminate it's season with a fantastical, commercial jubilee that offers the selling of food,beer and big screen digital tv's. Many a pundit will discuss the effect of Pro football on the average American psyche, but not me. I think all that analyzing of football drives all these middling prognosticators a little crazy. But see here! all the TV Execs have decided to present the big game at the first of February, thus giving up on the dreary month January. Did anyone ever ask January how it feels about its abandonment issues? C'mon everybody let's give the first month a great big ole Polar bear bear hug. Maybe that might warm its heart a little and make those first thirty-one days more palatable. I'm not sure if it's possible to physically come into contact with an abstract concept such as a month but for everyone's sanity I'm willing to try. Whaddya say peeps? So we're at the time of they year when shows are beginning to start their new seasons which means LOST is just about here. Hallelujah! My favorite show. To all those LOSTies brace yourselves for another wacky season of plot twists and disappearing islands. I myself am hoping Sawyer finds a shirt to wear.

Just as an FYI the rapper DMX who is currently incarcerated is mighty peeved that his jail jump suit is pink! Hmmm I think if I found myself in jail I'd have other things to be unhappy about, like being in jail! Just an observation. Maybe he will get in touch with his feminine side whilst in jail wearing pink tighties and write an new rap opus titled "Don't dis' dis homey whilst wearing pink tighties" I hope you're listening Phil Spector, oops wait a second, I think he might not be available to produce the song due to a short stint in prison too. Oh well maybe Notorius B.I.G or Tupac will help him put the song together. As I get older I now understand why crusty old septagenarians mutter to themselves while whistling "Buffalo Gal" and taking that football that landed in his fenced yard and never giving it back. It's because of all that new whippersnapper clap-trap you hear on the transistor radios today. Now excuse me I have to jump in the Studebaker and cruise on down to the corner gymnasium to toss the old medicine ball around before the USO dance tonight. Ciao` J