You'll Shoot Your Ipad Out Kid!

I was looking at electronics the other night at good ole Best Buy. Some deals are okay others not so okay. Computer tablets are all the rage these days, so I was looking. People do understand that these things are less functional than laptops and about twice as expensive? Just asking. Sorry Apple people but Ipads area rip-off. I'd rather have a Kindle Fire. The money's just burning a hole in my dungarees as it were. Too bad I don't have any money to burn. While I was at Best Buy, the entire 25-40 age male demographic from Central Indiana asked me if I needed help. I wish some of these dudes would get a job at Lowes hardware because it's a major pain in the hind quarters to find someone for help in that little bit of paradise.

Some general thoughts on my mind... why does gas never go on sale? Why when one gas station changes their price does the one across the street change their price to the same exact price?... whether it's higher or lower. Who started the whole medications being dispensed on a 30 day cycle? Why do we get billed for most everything on a monthly basis? Why not quarterly or semi-annual? Why is it that car dealers will give you next to nothing on a trade-in but then do a little bit of repairs and then ask two to three times asking price?

Does anybody really get Justin Bieber? Does he not annoy almost everyone? Does everyone love the Aaron Rogers/State Farm commercial as much as I do. How about that really dorky Fujifilm bungee jump commercial. How dumb is that commercial...

Christmas season is upon us once more. Another Black Friday has came and went. Shoppers are becoming more militant with every passing yule tide. Maybe some of the big chains can invite some of the cage fighters to join the festivities in the coming years. Whoever comes out of aisle 12 alive gets the Ipad for $799!

America's Got Talent Except for the Judges

Wow! America's Got Talent is inexplicable. Really, that's all that can be said. Firstly, Mr. Director/editor, enough of the fast editing. One second shots of Piers, Sharon and Howie is nauseating. How about not showing them at all? Secondly, the montage format(with soundtrack) of hurriedly slamming acts through at a break-neck pace is infuriating. If the act sucks, completely edit it out. I don't wanna hear another rendition of Kenny Loggins' "Danger Zone" one more time while some goof juggles full diapers. Well wait a second maybe I do. Also, no more autotune songs. I forbid autotune songs from this point forward. To you Mr. Producer, the phony staging of a rivalry between Piers and Howie is insufferable, stop that too. Pick acts that are so unbelievably terrible they make us laugh or screen good acts through to take seriously. These are the rules, or should be the rules. Another thing, dispense with the sob stories designed to make America cry. We don't like that, just trust me on this, we don't like it. Also it's un-American and totally bogus, and while Americans can be an apathetic and ill informed bunch, we do know cynical crap like throwing some kids with the disease of the month at us. We hate that, so stop it. Piers, Sharon and Howie show a little integrity and stop acting like trained seals, you got the gig. Nick Cannon, you're hopeless so carry on as before. No wait a minute, on second thought, you stop it too Nick Cannon! By the way who dresses you Nick? You embarrass all of mankind, this I can't abide by. Audience at the shows, settle down and stop acting like you 've never seen a kid sing and breakdance before. Seriously, it's not that fresh. Also stop standing up and crossing your arms in an effort to sway the judges to "X" the performer. Who do you think you are anyway? You clearly don't have talent or else you would be on the show America's Got Talent being shown in a montage or being "X"d out of there. On second thought, NBC executives just cancel the show and show reruns of "Minute to Win It" Now that's a show I really hate.,

Behind Every "Dog" is a great Beth

Hola Amigos,
I know it's been awhile since I rapped at ya' but life got in the way of my writing, plus I've been battling writer's block. It won... until now!

So I've decided that one of the best shows on TV is "Dog the Bounty Hunter" not really because of Duane "the Dog" Chapman but because of his wife Beth, who steals the show in all her white trash glory. An open love letter to Beth follows below:

Oh heavens above what shall we calleth this vision that appears mid-week on A&E? Shall we call her Aphrodite or dare I say Venus? No! we shall call her Beth... the Dog's betrothed. Oh Beth! long's the time you've tarried in Dog's shadow busily going about your way in your too tight cotton tops that display your full curves and then some. As you sashay about in your stone-washed jeans that have never ever seen a pebble let alone a stone. As you rock your faux ammo belt and move in a stilted walk because things are wrapped up a little too tightly... if you get my drift. Oh Beth how you could launch a thousand ships with a just a wave of your mighty bosom. It's true that you could sway many a man with that bosom... simply from its sheer weight and enormity. Oh Beth you rock our world and you know it girl.
Beth when I gaze upon that face and get lost in those eyes adorned with that garish eye shadow and strangely colored safety pins, I lose my breath at what a lucky man "Dog" is and always will be... unless of course he gets rounded up by another bounty hunter intent on not getting stiffed by Duane for his own legal troubles. Beth the years have been kind to you and all know it. You chew gum and bark orders like a female Erwin Rommel. You wear trampish mid-calf boots in the hottest of weather. You wear spiked necklaces that bemoan a come hither and "submit to me servant" vibe. Beth don't you see what you do to me?...
Oh Beth who could not fall madly in love with you as you lead a family prayer and then proceed to curse out a fugitive's mother for the upteenth time, as you give advice to baby Lyssa from the back-seat about all manner of life situations, as you bark orders to Leland and Duane Jr. through the walkie talkie and cell phone, as you gripe at the kids for not getting to that Burger King quicker to get you that triple XL with portabello mushrooms. Beth you need not hide in Dog's shadow anymore! You come out to the world and roar "I am woman and don't you f*&%$#@ talk s#%t behind my mo%$#$*&%% back bi&%$" Then at the last of every show you become lovey-dovey with the fugitive in a complete 180 move. Most would find this behavior hypocritical Beth... but not me! I see the profanity laced,inexplicable love you show for each bad seed as you shower them with oddly timed words of encouragement, in an obvious attempt to soften yourself. Beth I get it! you are at once tough and soft, just how Dog likes it.
Oh Beth I'm just sayin'